Thank you cards

7-16-2010

Michael Raffety

With a bow to late night talk show host Jimmy Fallon, who invented the format, the following are my thank-you notes for the week:

Thank you Bob Billingsley for inventing the bullet column.

* Thank you Gov. Schwarzenegger for the global warming bill. Just talking about it gave us a cool spring and made all the plants grow late. You’ve saved me a lot on my water bill.

* Thank Mont Bleu casino for making your restaurants too expensive. That way I missed having to see a drunk man arrested for peeing on a slot machine in June.

* Thank you to my wife for a wonderful marriage so I don’t have to go dancing with strange women. That thought came to me after reading in the Tahoe papers about the man who was dancing “butt to butt” with a 27-year-old woman who used that as an opportunity to lift the man’s wallet and pass it on to an accomplice.

* Thank you President Bill Clinton for using Social Security funds to balance your budget. Now the Democrats are talking about only letting low income people collect Social Security because President Obama spent all the money. Same for Medicare. I knew there was a reason I have spent a lifetime paying into those funds.

* Thank you Mountain Democrat columnists for not shooting bullet holes into condominium walls. The Tahoe Tribune reported July 7 that its health columnist was arrested after she shot a hole in the wall of her condominium with a .38 caliber pistol. The personal trainer said she had “way too much to drink” during a party at her house. The police also booked her on suspicion of possessing a controlled substance and drug paraphernalia. No thanks for the health tips.

” Thank you President Obama for telling NASA administrator Charlie Bolden to make the Muslim countries feel good about inventing algebra a millennium ago and then having your press secretary, Robert Gibbs, deny that ever happened.

* Thank you Robert Gibbs for hardly ever knowing what’s going on in the White House. Maybe if you caddied for the golfer in chief, President Obama, you might know more.

* Thank you Environmental Protection Agency for stopping every good idea anyone ever thought of to stop the oil from coming ashore in the Gulf and wrecking the Louisiana marshes.

* And thank you U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service for allowing drug smugglers to set up radio relay stations in the Arizona wildlife preserve and tramping through the preserve with illegal border crossers and “mules” with backpacks of drugs, but not allowing the Border Patrol into the wildlife area.

* Thank you Gen. Stanley McChrystal for saying, “I’d rather get my ass kicked by a roomful of people than go out to this dinner” with a French minister. If French ministers are anything like French hotel clerks in Paris or London you have my sympathy.

¥ Thank you New York Times for the hardbound style book, which we never used even when we subscribed to your service. We always changed your stories to Associated Press style. Oh, and thanks for giving away national security secrets to Al-Qaida.

* Thank you Immigration and Customs Enforcement Director John Morton for refusing to process referrals of illegals from Arizona because you don’t like their police enforcing federal law. Maybe you weren’t really sworn into office, swearing to uphold the Constitution and the laws of the United States. Or maybe you crossed your fingers behind your back while you raised your other hand.

* Thank you Park Service for the 3-foot stack of reports in my office studying the Merced River and Yosemite Valley. Somebody made some money cutting down the trees and turning them into paper pulp to keep my credenza from flying away.

* Oh, and thank you Yosemite park ranger who criticized my Chevy Suburban one winter, implying I was some kind of rich guy for even having one. I rented it to transport my family and mother in a four-wheel drive vehicle since I couldn’t fit them all into my 1985 Toyota pickup truck. I just wish the Suburban had leather seats like the ranger’s Ford Explorer. If you had’Õt been harassing nature photographers you might have caught that Staynor guy who murdered women in Yosemite.

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